Rhodes University Toilet

Me and my Sounds

This is documentary allows you to witness an emotional conversation between me and my clarinet. I hope you enjoy.

Parent

I suppose there is no text book out there about parenting. I look at my life and how my mother raised both my brother and me and I feel that she did an incredible job.

In fact I feel she did a 'too' good job and I am worried about my future with my family. There seems to be a lot of growing up when parenting in a short amount of time. There seems to be some improvising and last minute decisions that nee ed to be made.

As I write this I start to think about theatre. Yes, I am an actor. Well, going back to my point; like theatre parent takes loads of courage and stamina. When things are getting tough, you need to put on that make up of wisdom and fake it 'til you make it.

Ok that was crap insight but as I start to look back in my life, the last 21 years of course, I realise how tough it was for my mother. I begin to think whether I will be able to take in all the hard work and troubles that takes to make a good family and raise good children.

Perhaps I should have some faith in me and that faith in God that He will make things smoother and more fruitful.

Arvo Part - "Spiegel im Spiegel'

Moving to other spaces

The music of Arvo Part has made me a calmer person lately. I have been surrounded with so much pressure around me and I feel I will burst out soon and become toxic to everyone. Al right, that sounded more dramatic than I imaged but I do feel that I have been under a lot of strain. Yet I turned to the pages of music and I feel at peace.

I have been to interviews lately and I feel that I am not ready for this big bad world. A part of me wants to go back home and be under the shelter of my mother and gran. To be close to the people who love and care for me. People who I feel bring peace and tranquillity in my soul.

But I suppose the world out there is as bad as I make it to be. I need to wear my suite of courage and take bold steps to success.

In Xhosa, my name means success and I need to take ownership of it.

I am 21 and stepping into the world of adulthood and I suppose my first few steps will be wobbly but I must trust myself to carry on marching and going towards my destiny and that being success.

Eyes Shut

It has been a tough couple of weeks but at the same time I have conquered obstacles that I would never thought I could do. I am glad that the dark times have gone and now I feel every day I am showered by some light. I am increasing my wisdom through my knowledge and the experience that I have gained. However it would be a lie to say that I have overcome by myself, but rather I should be honest and admit that I discovered that I am not as strong as I thought I was and with help from friends and family I have done more than I can image. It would be easy and possibly better to explain what has happened but I feel that I want to share some universal truth and hopefully help people out there understand that there is indeed a speck of light at the end of the grease dark tunnel. It starts off with admitting weakness and fragility and by doing this you are at the same time gaining power that was once before beyond your own imagination. Another thing I learnt was that I saw myself being at the lowest of point of my life and things look so different down there. Firstly everything around me seemed bigger than I thought, in fact it felt like I was a bug surrounded by huge feet almost stomping me to death. Secondly there seems to a sudden sense of defeat and that everything around had the ability to overpower me. So how did I scramble to the tiny light? Well it was simple: I closed my eyes, and started to imagine myself greater than I was. I began to feel more empowered and happy. Ok maybe this is farfetched and I completely understand. If I was reading this I would laugh my ass off. But I guess what I am not honest about was the amount of strength it took me to close my eyelids and think differently. Yes, the action itself was the most challenging thing I had to do. As simple as it may seem, it took my friends and family and a part of me to shut my eyes and start to create a better me. I suppose at the end, even with great effort, you might not see the light, but in that darkness start imagining that light and allow it each day to get brighter and bright. Of course a little help will be needed but at the end of the day it is your choice to do something so simple yet great to better your life.

He woke me

I have neglecting this blog once again. Honestly I have a lot to say but writing is not my favourite medium of communicating. But here I am again writing.

This time I have something to say to you that has unsettled me and made me question many things. However I would like to state that I have no clear angle with this post. I have no solution and I don't know whether I will make sense to you.

The other day as I was walking back home to my res room, I saw a man walking passing me and something in me was disturbed. At first I did not know what exactly moved me and I did not know what in that man made me stop and think for a second. It has now come to my attention that I was unsettled by the man's face.

No he was not ugly or anything like that. He looked miserable and desolate.

I have seen sad people in my life and I have seen sad men too but this time something was completely wrong. In his blue overalls he seemed so lonely and distressed by something. I felt that he was sadden by something at work, something in the same institution we both know.

I supposed the man could have been angry or sadden by something simple. Not political or anything. Possibly his favorite team lost or he was left by someone. With all of this said I then realised that I was the one troubled and that the man's face woke something in me. My issue.

Today I reflected back on that day and have been questioning many things about myself and my surrounding. Never have I been so confused, concerned and puzzled about myself than today.

That man's face woke something sad in me that I was not conscious of. Something that hurts all the fibres of my body. Something that leaves me indifferent about life. What makes me scared is that I do not know what it is and when this beast will return to its den.

That is my story.

No more Love...

Grahamstown has isolated me from the rest of South Africa. Work is over powering me and I have had little sleep in the last two weeks. I need a break and I thought I should spend this quiet time writing on my blog. I have neglected my blog so I confess that some guilt is driving me to write. My last post was about Love so I reckon I should update you on that topic first. Well it is not easy to fall out of love with someone. Oh no! I have given up forcing the matter and I think that I should let things flow. But the problem with letting things flow is that you never know where you might end up. The unknown is scary for me. Anyways the good news is that I now love myself enough to choose for someone else to love me. I will never place the responsibility of loving me to someone else. That is just absurd and unfair! So I would like to end this topic (and I hope it never surfaces again) by saying that... Ok I just realised I don’t have a conclusion on this so let’s just leave it here.

My love

I fear to write on this blog. I just don't write anymore because I fear what I say is nonsense sometimes. Well lately I have discovered a lot about myself. I know now that I love someone and that love is so simple. We are the filthy ones that make it complex because we cannot handle anything pure for long. Anyways I'm optimistic that I will fall out of love soon because who I love is taken. This experience has taught me to love myself more so that I choose to love. I know this is a political blog but politics lately have been dreary.

You strike a women you strike 'Stay Soft'.

A day shall come to claim what was ours!

The ANC Thanks the POOR for their vote. See you next time...keep strong!

The time has come for another ANC reign and many people will experience some type of Deja Vu in the next five years. The ANC has sucked the souls of the poor in order to make themselves become fatter by the day. The poor stay stranded watching in their small screen TVs the glory of few in behave of many. The parties begin and in only a few weeks all that was promise will be forgotten and shady deals behind cabinet door will resume.

The majority of South Africa are still hypnotised by Mtshini Wam and the sad truth is that they will wake up in ghettos and the same disgusting conditions. Reality has never been something the ANC has accepted, so they lift the volume up in order to drown the silent screams of the poor that they have falsely promised.

The poor have casted their votes and the elite idiots in our government are reaping from their lies they planted. The ANC has made South Africans non self sufficient so that they can beg for their Human Rights!! Poor minds vote for mealie meal, bread and a house for a large family. What kind of citizen begs for what they deserves. Stephen Biko must be moving in his grave!

It has been months since I have written something and I guess I have learnt alot in those weeks away. Stay with me for the journey ahead and allow me to express myself to you concerning my poltical views.

ANCYL and its disgrace to the youth!!!!

It has come to a point where I have to mention in blank terms that the ANCYL has lost the plot. This is the same origination that presents itself to be the voice of the youth. Which youth? I happen to be a youth h and my political views differ completely from the ANC youth league’s president, Julius Malema. Has it come to this, that politics is for the big mouthed fools and the bullies who think they know better that our constitutional judges? The youth of today are in a struggle to understand where they stand and we find ourselves being represented by fools who to claim to know our thoughts.

The ANCYL league has a great history in world politics. It has groomed great leaders like Nelson Mandela and Walter Sisulu who practiced their right has South Africans to fight for a better country through the ANCYL. Today the party is overtaken by a bunch of idiots who do not even know how to structure an argument. In this year’s anniversary of the founding of the organisation, Julius Malema spoke about a militant movement needed by the youth of today. He further described the youth of today as “roaring lions” whose “vibrations” shall be heard throughout the country. What is the youth roaring about? He mentions nothing about our mission and what we are suppose to fight for. Since when do we go t battle when our leaders are struggling to construct a mission for us that will work? If we, as youth, are going to be busy roaring our lungs out, then it must be in zoos. No lion can fight anything without a purpose. It is this language, this outrage, which has caused and moved thousands of South African youths to the streets to watch our future president dancing to the beat of his latest hit, Umshini Wam. Alas, behold the great leader of the ANCYL: superstar Jacob Zuma.

Today as youth we cannot afford to attack or else we will have no power to defend. We are not a youth like the last generation, were attacking as was the only way to gain liberation. Instead we are a generation that has human rights and constitutional rights to defend. Malema does not mention that what we as the youth of today should be fighting, is the spread of Aids and how it is killing our generation. Malema is forgetting that the real problems of the youth are that there is lack of tertiary education, unemployment and the struggling to live in a country filled with poverty.

The ANCYL should go to the drawing board soon and possibly work on how to speak well. In fact here is a lesson:

If you are going to speak for others, it is clear that you should master it. First lesson is no more “Die for Zuma” nonsense. There no wars happening here if Malema wants a war please let us know what it is all about and that he should remember people want leaders not generals. Secondly no speaking of “counter-revolution” because it means a blood affair for many for a cause that means nothing to them. Thirdly please revise Michael Trapido article, “ANCYL political language explained” to see what foolish things you are saying in the media. There are many more classes that the ANCYL have to attend but the basics will help for now.

There is definitely room for improved that has to be perfected by the ANCYL further more these terrifying things happening in light of the youth should wake us up as the youth to claim what is our; our voices. We cannot sit back and allow others to speak out for us when we as the youth have diverse opinions and many problems to face. Moreover there is a need for the youth be in solidarity and defend our image as youth. Yes we are the defenders today not the attackers. We have it all; freedom, peace and rights. But all these luxuries are under threat because of power -hungry leaders who claim to know us. Like the youth of 1976 we have a responiblity to defend our liberties. The outrage of the ANCYL can no longer be publicised for us anymore. We do not see lions in our mirrors. Our reflections do not show soldiers waiting to fight and eliminate enemies. Instead we are citizens of this country and have the democratic right to defend what was once fought for us.

Dark and Lovely

It's fashion to be black nowadays. People are tanning themselves and enjoying their new dark skins. I even see people placing lotion on their skin to look like the new "Black Like Me" chick. I think this is great. For once the dark continent shall be embraced and loved for its natural beauty.

Eish the Future is really bright.

exam fever

Oh the time has come!! I have been reading and discussing many topics lately. I spoke to many people to get a feel about their experience during this horrid time. One comment that interested me was by a Pharmacy student. She claimed that she did not need to know all the sections but the ones that are easy. I was very skeptical about this comment. I just imagined her giving treatment to people and not knowing what she is doing.

Anyways the future elite of our country are busy cramming everything the know in order to lead our country in the future.

Well its a Bright future people so take on your sunglasses and Claim it!!

No Excuses

With so much in my plate these days, I have neglected so many things in my life. I’m drowning in the pool of work that seems endless. I have lost friendships because of my stressful life. I wonder if this will be me in the future. I have never been so self indulgent in my whole life. All I think is what is important to me. For example, today I told my boyfriend I can’t see him because I think that my computer needs me while it scans for a virus. A COMPUTER!!!!!! People I have been mad in my life but this is beyond redemption. I have gone to the point where what I see as important in life is materialistic things. I never thought it would come to this. When I have time to myself I make sure it is to me. Oh yes, I do believe in ‘me time’ but let us be serious, when I have not paid attention to the most important people in my life because of work, then I think I should cut my ‘me time’ just a little. So I want to apologies for not writing and posts lately. I have no excuse to not place time in my life for you. Sorry.

Our Roles to Act in

When looking at who we are, we find now definite word that can identify who we are. This was how I felt in high school. I lived in two worlds that contradicted each and I had to face both every day. This resulted in me creating two identities that would complement each world. Sometimes I would get lost and lose my mind in trying to solve my identity issue. However what I found more interesting was the transitional stage that took place each day. My school was in town and my home in the township, so there was forty five minutes to transform myself and try to fit in to the world that I was heading to. I took a taxi everyday and it was there that my transformation took place. When going to school I would think about work and the homework that was not done. I would think about my grades and how I could improve them. I would think of Home Economics and try to remember recipes and decor ideas that were said the day before. I would hum my music notes from my music book and allow the fat woman next to me to be unsettled by the strange harmonies. When I went home I would make myself think about my baby cousin and the songs she will be reciting for me. I would think of my grandmother constantly asking me to bring her water for her pink and blue and green and yellow pills. I would think of my uncle and wish today he will be sober and more loving. I would think of my next argument with my mother. Lastly I would think of my brother who left for varsity and remember the horrible times we had together in our younger years. And I wish those days will come back so that I could see my brother again. It was in these transformations that I was prepping for the perfect performance. Every day I built a character that would represent me and my feelings. I continually constructed myself everyday to fit the perfect role. Oh yes, there were those days that I mixed things up and found myself in trouble.
I find this exiting that I cannot pin point myself. In fact, I find it limiting to do so. What I also find intriguing is that we enter in many diverse places in South Africa and we create characters that will fit each place so that we act and live in harmony. By us allowing ourselves to live in other roles, we soon acknowledge each other better and live with many perspectives. Paul Auster would say there is not identity, but I believe there are many identities but it is up to us to claim each one and live in it. That is the South Africa I know and want to live in.

Our country. Our battle

The country I live is a place where people of strength and courage dwell. I grew up being told about the sad past my parents lived in. I grew up knowing that the world today is a product of the past that constantly follows us. With Apartheid gone and a new South Africa growing strong in its democratic principles, we are still, however, faced with hardships such as poverty. While many South Africans fought and won freedom, so many still live in poverty and are fighting everyday to survive to see tomorrow. It is issues like these in our country that make me believe that this is a country that is constantly in some battle to overcome hardship. Our strength as South Africans in not necessary in the individual. Rather it is in the masses that have a cause to fight for a better life and a better country. We cannot leave our fellow South Africans fighting alone and placing responsibility to the government. We must stand for others and show the world what our ancestors meant when they spoke about “ubuntu”. I also call upon my own generation, the youth, to see that we too have the power to bring change, just the same why our parents did in the Soweto uprisings. We too have a page to fill in the history books, a chapter that writes about a generation that fought for equality and poverty. I call for a change!!

Let's Talk Politics

Let’s get political. Today we look at our politics and wonder what went wrong. Why is Zuma in power? Who ousted the president? Who is the current president and who the hell is Malema? Well people I can assure I’m in the same boat with you. I have been looking at the news and seeing how the ANC is caught up in so much conflict and changing policies the same way they change their cars. I was not impressed to here that former President Thabo Mbeki is out and a new president has been placed in. I questioned who voted the current president in? Us the citizens, I do not think so. I just do not understand that in a democracy there are elites who have the power to remove and place in a new president without the influence of the public or parliament. I cannot see this is as democratic action. I also think that it is high time that idiots like Malema should be excluded from the ANC since he is not bringing any justice to the party. We know the reason why Mbalula talked nonsense. He had to go to an initiation school to learn manners and know how to respect his elders. Now the ANCYL is lead by fools who cannot even construct a proper argument but blabbers about anything. Surely the ANCYL is bringing a bad name for us youth. I believe that we should start questioning our current government even if we are labelled as “non –revolutionaries” (whatever that means) and voice out our opinions since it is our democratic right to do so.