Eyes Shut

It has been a tough couple of weeks but at the same time I have conquered obstacles that I would never thought I could do. I am glad that the dark times have gone and now I feel every day I am showered by some light. I am increasing my wisdom through my knowledge and the experience that I have gained. However it would be a lie to say that I have overcome by myself, but rather I should be honest and admit that I discovered that I am not as strong as I thought I was and with help from friends and family I have done more than I can image. It would be easy and possibly better to explain what has happened but I feel that I want to share some universal truth and hopefully help people out there understand that there is indeed a speck of light at the end of the grease dark tunnel. It starts off with admitting weakness and fragility and by doing this you are at the same time gaining power that was once before beyond your own imagination. Another thing I learnt was that I saw myself being at the lowest of point of my life and things look so different down there. Firstly everything around me seemed bigger than I thought, in fact it felt like I was a bug surrounded by huge feet almost stomping me to death. Secondly there seems to a sudden sense of defeat and that everything around had the ability to overpower me. So how did I scramble to the tiny light? Well it was simple: I closed my eyes, and started to imagine myself greater than I was. I began to feel more empowered and happy. Ok maybe this is farfetched and I completely understand. If I was reading this I would laugh my ass off. But I guess what I am not honest about was the amount of strength it took me to close my eyelids and think differently. Yes, the action itself was the most challenging thing I had to do. As simple as it may seem, it took my friends and family and a part of me to shut my eyes and start to create a better me. I suppose at the end, even with great effort, you might not see the light, but in that darkness start imagining that light and allow it each day to get brighter and bright. Of course a little help will be needed but at the end of the day it is your choice to do something so simple yet great to better your life.

He woke me

I have neglecting this blog once again. Honestly I have a lot to say but writing is not my favourite medium of communicating. But here I am again writing.

This time I have something to say to you that has unsettled me and made me question many things. However I would like to state that I have no clear angle with this post. I have no solution and I don't know whether I will make sense to you.

The other day as I was walking back home to my res room, I saw a man walking passing me and something in me was disturbed. At first I did not know what exactly moved me and I did not know what in that man made me stop and think for a second. It has now come to my attention that I was unsettled by the man's face.

No he was not ugly or anything like that. He looked miserable and desolate.

I have seen sad people in my life and I have seen sad men too but this time something was completely wrong. In his blue overalls he seemed so lonely and distressed by something. I felt that he was sadden by something at work, something in the same institution we both know.

I supposed the man could have been angry or sadden by something simple. Not political or anything. Possibly his favorite team lost or he was left by someone. With all of this said I then realised that I was the one troubled and that the man's face woke something in me. My issue.

Today I reflected back on that day and have been questioning many things about myself and my surrounding. Never have I been so confused, concerned and puzzled about myself than today.

That man's face woke something sad in me that I was not conscious of. Something that hurts all the fibres of my body. Something that leaves me indifferent about life. What makes me scared is that I do not know what it is and when this beast will return to its den.

That is my story.

No more Love...

Grahamstown has isolated me from the rest of South Africa. Work is over powering me and I have had little sleep in the last two weeks. I need a break and I thought I should spend this quiet time writing on my blog. I have neglected my blog so I confess that some guilt is driving me to write. My last post was about Love so I reckon I should update you on that topic first. Well it is not easy to fall out of love with someone. Oh no! I have given up forcing the matter and I think that I should let things flow. But the problem with letting things flow is that you never know where you might end up. The unknown is scary for me. Anyways the good news is that I now love myself enough to choose for someone else to love me. I will never place the responsibility of loving me to someone else. That is just absurd and unfair! So I would like to end this topic (and I hope it never surfaces again) by saying that... Ok I just realised I don’t have a conclusion on this so let’s just leave it here.

My love

I fear to write on this blog. I just don't write anymore because I fear what I say is nonsense sometimes. Well lately I have discovered a lot about myself. I know now that I love someone and that love is so simple. We are the filthy ones that make it complex because we cannot handle anything pure for long. Anyways I'm optimistic that I will fall out of love soon because who I love is taken. This experience has taught me to love myself more so that I choose to love. I know this is a political blog but politics lately have been dreary.

You strike a women you strike 'Stay Soft'.

A day shall come to claim what was ours!