Parent

I suppose there is no text book out there about parenting. I look at my life and how my mother raised both my brother and me and I feel that she did an incredible job.

In fact I feel she did a 'too' good job and I am worried about my future with my family. There seems to be a lot of growing up when parenting in a short amount of time. There seems to be some improvising and last minute decisions that nee ed to be made.

As I write this I start to think about theatre. Yes, I am an actor. Well, going back to my point; like theatre parent takes loads of courage and stamina. When things are getting tough, you need to put on that make up of wisdom and fake it 'til you make it.

Ok that was crap insight but as I start to look back in my life, the last 21 years of course, I realise how tough it was for my mother. I begin to think whether I will be able to take in all the hard work and troubles that takes to make a good family and raise good children.

Perhaps I should have some faith in me and that faith in God that He will make things smoother and more fruitful.

Arvo Part - "Spiegel im Spiegel'

Moving to other spaces

The music of Arvo Part has made me a calmer person lately. I have been surrounded with so much pressure around me and I feel I will burst out soon and become toxic to everyone. Al right, that sounded more dramatic than I imaged but I do feel that I have been under a lot of strain. Yet I turned to the pages of music and I feel at peace.

I have been to interviews lately and I feel that I am not ready for this big bad world. A part of me wants to go back home and be under the shelter of my mother and gran. To be close to the people who love and care for me. People who I feel bring peace and tranquillity in my soul.

But I suppose the world out there is as bad as I make it to be. I need to wear my suite of courage and take bold steps to success.

In Xhosa, my name means success and I need to take ownership of it.

I am 21 and stepping into the world of adulthood and I suppose my first few steps will be wobbly but I must trust myself to carry on marching and going towards my destiny and that being success.

Eyes Shut

It has been a tough couple of weeks but at the same time I have conquered obstacles that I would never thought I could do. I am glad that the dark times have gone and now I feel every day I am showered by some light. I am increasing my wisdom through my knowledge and the experience that I have gained. However it would be a lie to say that I have overcome by myself, but rather I should be honest and admit that I discovered that I am not as strong as I thought I was and with help from friends and family I have done more than I can image. It would be easy and possibly better to explain what has happened but I feel that I want to share some universal truth and hopefully help people out there understand that there is indeed a speck of light at the end of the grease dark tunnel. It starts off with admitting weakness and fragility and by doing this you are at the same time gaining power that was once before beyond your own imagination. Another thing I learnt was that I saw myself being at the lowest of point of my life and things look so different down there. Firstly everything around me seemed bigger than I thought, in fact it felt like I was a bug surrounded by huge feet almost stomping me to death. Secondly there seems to a sudden sense of defeat and that everything around had the ability to overpower me. So how did I scramble to the tiny light? Well it was simple: I closed my eyes, and started to imagine myself greater than I was. I began to feel more empowered and happy. Ok maybe this is farfetched and I completely understand. If I was reading this I would laugh my ass off. But I guess what I am not honest about was the amount of strength it took me to close my eyelids and think differently. Yes, the action itself was the most challenging thing I had to do. As simple as it may seem, it took my friends and family and a part of me to shut my eyes and start to create a better me. I suppose at the end, even with great effort, you might not see the light, but in that darkness start imagining that light and allow it each day to get brighter and bright. Of course a little help will be needed but at the end of the day it is your choice to do something so simple yet great to better your life.