When looking at who we are, we find now definite word that can identify who we are. This was how I felt in high school. I lived in two worlds that contradicted each and I had to face both every day. This resulted in me creating two identities that would complement each world. Sometimes I would get lost and lose my mind in trying to solve my identity issue. However what I found more interesting was the transitional stage that took place each day. My school was in town and my home in the township, so there was forty five minutes to transform myself and try to fit in to the world that I was heading to. I took a taxi everyday and it was there that my transformation took place. When going to school I would think about work and the homework that was not done. I would think about my grades and how I could improve them. I would think of Home Economics and try to remember recipes and decor ideas that were said the day before. I would hum my music notes from my music book and allow the fat woman next to me to be unsettled by the strange harmonies. When I went home I would make myself think about my baby cousin and the songs she will be reciting for me. I would think of my grandmother constantly asking me to bring her water for her pink and blue and green and yellow pills. I would think of my uncle and wish today he will be sober and more loving. I would think of my next argument with my mother. Lastly I would think of my brother who left for varsity and remember the horrible times we had together in our younger years. And I wish those days will come back so that I could see my brother again. It was in these transformations that I was prepping for the perfect performance. Every day I built a character that would represent me and my feelings. I continually constructed myself everyday to fit the perfect role. Oh yes, there were those days that I mixed things up and found myself in trouble.
I find this exiting that I cannot pin point myself. In fact, I find it limiting to do so. What I also find intriguing is that we enter in many diverse places in South Africa and we create characters that will fit each place so that we act and live in harmony. By us allowing ourselves to live in other roles, we soon acknowledge each other better and live with many perspectives. Paul Auster would say there is not identity, but I believe there are many identities but it is up to us to claim each one and live in it. That is the South Africa I know and want to live in.
I am Pumelela Nqelenga. I'm Human I'm Female I'm African I'm South Africa I'm Xhosa.
1 comment:
Identity has always been an issue for teenagers, having been one not so long ago, I can relate to your situation. Being a chameleon is not easy, but those who have the art of blending in, life becomes a lot more interesting.
I recently found myself in this precarious position. I, too, am a first year student at Rhodes University, and have been in this constant exchange of personalities and characters. As a drama 1 student, I have found it becoming easier to assume any character that the particular moment demands. The only thing I could say that has not yet been affected is my moral standing, everything that I was raised to believe as wrong still rings true, to this day.
I want to be liked, but not at the expense of my values. Every character I assume has the same values and standards as I (the original me) has. Although I find it exciting to be many characters at the same time, I do agree that it does affect who I really am- one can ‘forget’ the true, real self.
Pumelela, I admire your courage and charisma, keep up the madness.
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